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COMING SOON / EXCLUSIVE ADVANCE LOOK


ROB ZOMBIE'S: THE BLOB
A SUPER ADVANCE LOOK AT HIS STORY OUTLINE!

A HorrorDrunx.com exclusive article
by
Tubags Noggenhed

You won't believe the insane story behind how or where I was able to obtain this advance look at the script outline for Rob Zombie's THE BLOB... But enjoy this super exclusive sneak-peek!

You will notice I'm not even going to put my real name on this article, because I could get in big trouble for leaking this out to the public. It is so secret in fact, that I'm going to wear an additional mask over my usual mask as I type this article. ...Hence the alias "Tubags Noggenhed".

The following was transcribed from hand written notes that Rob Zombie allegedly left behind at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. He'd written them on those paper place mat thingies while he was sitting in the corner table on the patio sipping soy milk lattes and eating a wheatgrass salad.

Suddenly he exclaimed aloud "Oh, shit the fuck I'm so late for my yoga class!" and quickly paid his bill. He folded the papers and tucked them into the side pocket of his leather hand stitched Gucci man-purse, but when he snatched it up to rush out of the restaurant, they fell out under the table. So a waiter friend of mine (who is also a Horror Drunx) grabbed them. Zombie came back looking for them while the valet was bringing his Hummer around, but hahaha they were gone already sucker! Boy was he pissed, all stomping around in his custom made shrimps-can-be-big- men-too platform boots!

ABOVE: The man-purse, the platforms,
the little accessory dog, the finger.
Look out, this tattoed Beverly Hills
yuppie is a real dangerous
alterna-rocker!
Just ask him and he'll tell you so.

The greatest attempt has been made to accurately transcribe the following from his hand written notes, but damn does that guy have some sloppy scrawl. Completely unintelligible sometimes. I mean like a preschooler or something. In those cases, I will make a notation to that effect. As for all the mis-spelled words, I have corrected them with spell check. There were also several little drawings and some stuck figures on the pages, some which I will describe as best as possible.

My own notes of clarification will be included on the screenplay treatment in bold orange print.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

THE NOTES FOR THE OUTLINE FOR THE TREATMENT OF A SCREENPLAY FOR THE REMAKE OF A REMAKE OF "THE BLOB..."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

(NOTE TO SELF - try and be different and not have a red blobby thing)

(the following title was in big hand drawn science-fiction looking letters)
ROB ZOMBIE'S THE BLOB

A treatment for the retelling of a reboot of a revisioning of a remake by Rob Zombie!

(Next to the above was a crude drawing of a guy with a beard with a pentagram on his forehead, holding a big thing that looks like a fork and it is all surrounded by fire. Wow, what is this guy, in Jr. High School?)

PART 1 (NOTE TO SELF - remember all good scripts by real writers have three parts, try to copy what they do)

EXT: DEEP SPACE

A flying saucer speeds by. (Write a song for the soundtrack for this space part - something really evil sounding and loud to scare people, call it "NUMBER 2 FROM OUTER SPACE" )

INT: SAUCER

An ugly drooling twatfaced, bug headed alien with a bunch of eyes is grunting. (NOTE TO SELF: Tyler Mane?) The Twatfaced Alien stands and pulls up his pants, then presses a button on the space disposal unit.

EXT: SAUCER

A rusty little hatch opens on the bottom of the saucer and a pulsating lump of glowing gross stuff is propelled out.

EXT: SPACE

The lump shoots through space and heads toward the planet Earth in the distance. (Music continues as we follow it on its journey and the front credits roll) Toward the end of the credits it enters the atmosphere and falls toward the Southern part of the United States.

EXT: SECRET COMPOUND - NIGHT

Behind a well guarded fence marked "Government Facility - NO Trespassing" a row of huge radio telescope radar dishes built along a desert ridge point ominously toward the night sky.

INT: CLANDESTINE CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Government agents in dark cubicles monitor radar screens. At one of the work stations, an agent talks excitedly to his superior.

AGENT
Yes, sir... The bogey changed course
slightly nearly seven minutes ago
on its fourth...make that fifth...orbit..

SUPERIOR
Continue tracking the trajectory. I'll
contact our field office in Louisville
and scramble a team. They can be at any
landing location within three hours. Has
the computer extrapolated an impact
site yet?

AGENT
Printing out that information now, sir.

The agent reaches to a printer and rips off a document, handing it to his superior, who quickly inspects it. In the background, other agents monitor a huge illuminated glass map of the United States. The path of the space lump is traced along its surface by a series of LED lights. The Superior looks up from his paperwork, toward the map.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

Full of old wrecked cars, this is where stupid dirty white trash come to get cheap stolen auto parts for their shitty cars. On a small hill overlooking the wrecking yard is one of those really nasty looking little mobile home trailer things. Over the door is a hand painted sign that says OFFICE. (Check spelling). (NOTE: I'll paint the sign myself so I can get a check for working in the art department too!)

The trailer is squeaking a little bit and shaking.

INT: CLETUS'S TRAILER - NIGHT

It is cluttered and dirty and full of ugly thrift store looking stuff. (NOTE TO SELF: Rent all that junk in the basement to the production company so they can dress the set. Should be good for some extra $$$. I'll sell it all as props later and make a killing) (a drawing of a dollar bill is next to this with the words "YOUR ONLY GOD" scrawled next to it)

Cletus the Fetus, a dirty scary ugly white trash dirtbag in overalls (NOTE TO SELF: Moseley?) is in bed, jacking off under his greasy blanket to a pussy mag, which is why the trailer is squeaking.

Suddenly there is a big loud noise from outside that completely ruins Cletus' wack-off rhythm.

CLETUS
(startled)
Zip-a-de-do-dah dip my mama's cunt
in shit!

Cletus gets up and rushes to the door.

EXT: CLETUS' TRAILER - NIGHT

The door opens and Cletus looks in the sky to see a fiery trail zip past. It lands in the junkyard with a big boom, making a small crater and knocking over some shitty old cars.

CLETUS
What the fuck?!

He grabs a toilet plunger from off the top step of his trailer and runs toward the crater.

CLETUS
I'm gonna go Nazi on yer ass now!
Messing up my good shit...

EXT: WRECKING YARD CRATER - NIGHT

(NOTE TO SELF: This scene will be a great rip-off of the scene in the original stupid Blob movie! Or that scene in Creepshow.)

Cletus goes down in the smoking crater and approaches the meteorite / lump in the center.

He pokes it with the toilet plunger. The lump cracks open. There is some icky stuff in the center that looks like KY jelly or lube or something. (NOTE TO SELF: Shit, got to really work on thinking up something original that isn't red and blobby)

CLETUS
Looks like pecker snot.

He dips the end of the plunger in the gross stuff, then turns it up to look at it. It oozes and slobbers down the wooden handle toward his hand.

CLETUS
Roger that.

He runs toward the trailer with the plunger, stopping to open up his outdoor refrigerator / beer cooler.

CLETUS
You're goin' in here for safe keeping
motherfucka. Till I can get the number of
the Weekly World News tomorrow.

He throws the gross gooey toilet plunger in the freezer part, then slams the lid closed on it.

He pauses at the door of his trailer before going in.

CLETUS
Think big. Maybe it'll start a bidding war
'tween all those ass eating tabloids.
I'll be rich!

He goes into the trailer. But before he closes the door, we see that there is a small clump of that space goo on the back of his arm where he can't see it. It squirms up and disappears inside of his shirt sleeve. (NOTE TO SELF: CGI if budget can afford it).

INT: TRAILER - NIGHT

To celebrate, Cletus decides to make some Bisquik biscuits. He doesn't notice when the clump of space goo crawls back out of his shirt sleeve and falls into the bowl. It gets mixed in with the biscuit dough.

He pours it into a cooking tin and pops it into the oven.

SAME LOCATION - LATER

A plate of biscuits is on the table in front of him. He starts to smear jelly on them and eat them, distracted by the goat porno on TV. (NOTE TO SELF: Write music for the soundtrack of the Goat Porno. Call it Goat Porno. Make it really evil sounding and loud, like the sound of frightening unforgivable white trash sin. Intercut it with flashes of religious paintings on velvet that are on walls of trailer.) (NOTE TO SELF: Paint religious images on velvet myself. Rent to film for $$. Have gallery show and sell them for big $$ later)

(The next half page is so crudely scrawled it is completely unreadable. In the margin of the page are several drawings of dicks ejaculating. The liquid forms the words "I ROCK SO MUCH" in dripping letters. This Rob Zombie guy seems like a real child, what a self centered moron)

INT: DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

In the back stage of "The Hore Whole", a titty bar along the old highway. A trashy blonde stripper (NOTE TO SELF: Sheri! Definitely my Sheri baby! Another hefty check bringing $$$ into the Zombie household!) named Candie Pants is using make-up trying to cover the age lines around her eyes in the mirror. Despite her hard life, she is still a hot piece of ass.

A bare breasted old slut enters and sits at the make-up table next to her. This is Sharon. (Karen Black?)

SHARON
Candie, is this really going to be
your last night?

CANDIE
Yep. I finally got me enough money
saved. The car is already packed
and I'm leaving for Hollywood tomorrow.
...I'm gonna bag me a rich rock star
in one of those Sunset Strip clubs,
get me some acting lessons and become
a famous actress! ...Well, maybe
not the acting lessons part.

SHARON
Dreams do sometimes come true.
...Did you tell Filbert yet?

CANDIE
Hell no. I don't owe that shit
grinning old pervert nothin'.

Just then, the door to the dressing room swings open.and Filbert enters. (NOTE TO SELF: Haig might be good?)

SHARON
Speak of the devil...

GLORY AND SHARON
(in unison)
Filbert!

FILBERT
Greetings filthy sluts. Welcome to
another night of shaking yer
saggy stretch marked moneymakers,
diseased and infected though they may be.
(to Candie)
Hey sugarpussy, it's time for your set.
Time's a-wastin' and the customers dicks
are gettin' soft. We can't lose their
attention or they'll leave.

CANDIE
Be right there!

She rises from her seat, but whispers in Sharon's ear...

CANDIE
All those nights of sucking the cock
of every dirty hillbilly with a sawbuck
for admission are over as of quitting
time tonight!

She rushes out toward the stage. Filbert licks his pinky finger and sticks it up her ass as she passes. She squeals. Filbert turns toward Sharon.

FILBERT
Sharon, lube up, it's your night
on glory hole duty.

SHARON
(forced smile)
Alright!

Filbert pauses to sniff his pinky finger before he leaves.

INT: CLETUS' TRUCK - NIGHT

Cletus is driving. He acts like his stomach is upset and he looks like he wants to maybe hurl chunks. His body has become a host for the incubating Blob monster. He lifts one leg and farts loudly. The smell is really gross and he has to roll down the window.

CLETUS
Jeebus Craps! That was just a warning
shot... Next time I'm gonna shit my pants
if I'm not careful.

He looks out the window and sees THE HORE WHOLE titty bar. He quickly pulls the truck into the parking lot.

EXT: HORE WHOLE PARKING LOT - NIGHT

He runs toward the door with his ass cheeks pinched tightly together.

INT: HORE WHOLE - NIGHT

Candie is pole dancing on stage.(NOTE TO SELF: Write evil sounding song for her to strip to. Call it "Hore Whole". Dirty tattooed metal sluts in strip clubs everywhere will be dancing to this song soon. Soundtrack $$$$$ cha-ching!!!!)

(A crude childish drawing that looks like a young boys rendition of female genitalia and breasts. Next to this are the words "FUN", "COCK LOCKER for my big cock", "TA-TA CITY" and "DADDY'S LITTLE WHOREFACE". Really, an adult did this?.)

Cletus rushes past Candie and the white trash hillbilly patrons of this shitty little turd of a town, running upstairs to the mens room.

INT: RESTROOM - NIGHT

Cletus looks exhausted and ill as he pulls up his overalls. He looks down into the bowl disgusted. It is full of his soft bloody ass squirts. Sickened, he uses his boot to push the flush handle. As he leaves he does not notice the big chunk of BLOB that crawls out of the toilet and falls to the floor.

The Blob slides toward a crack in the floor and oozes down inside of it, disappearing into the floor.

INT: THE HORE WHOLE - NIGHT

Music and stripping continues. Cletus is still looking ill as he makes his way to the exit.

Candie is continues dancing, working the brass pole, rubbing her cameltoe and ass against it. No one notices the Blob as it slobbers through a crack in the ceiling and drizzles down the pole toward her. As she flips upside down with her legs in the air and wide apart, the Blob dribbles down the pole and leaps onto her G-string (we also realize it has entered her snatch. Yeah! This is so evil and sick! No one will remember that stupid old Blob movie or that other remake of it when I'm done!). (Really Rob? You think so, huh?)

She gets a weird look on her face, then loses her grip on the now slippery pole, falling to the floor. Embarrassed and looking like she is going to cry she quickly gathers the dollar bills tipped to her by the customers and runs from the stage into the dressing room.

INT: DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Filbert follows her into the room. She is rubbing her neck and shoulder.

FILBERT
What the hell do you think yer doin'?

CANDIE
Didn't you see me fall? I hurt myself!
(for all to overhear)
I slipped and fell during my aerial
because one of these little whores left
a snail-trail of spooge after rubbing
their cunts on the pole!

Sharon and one of the other dancers look at her like they are ready to strangle her for the comment

FILBERT
Well, don't expect no workman's comp.
Yer offa the books here.

CANDIE
I'm not going back out there,
Filbert. I'm leaving.

Angry, she begins to gather her things.

FILBERT
Darlin', woah-woah-woah, I'm sorry, I
apologize... I know I mighta come off
as unfeeling and all, but I was just
joshin' ya. Did you really hurt
yourself?

She stops.

CANDIE
Nah, I'll be alright I guess. Just
a little fuckin sore is all.

FILBERT
Well, I won't ask for any more brass
pole gymnastics tonight, but if you
can give me just about another
hour and a half...

She looks like she might protest.

FILBERT
...Just until the late shift gets
here. I promise no lap dances, no
hanky-panky, I just need some warm
hot bodies out front hustling drinks
as they talk to the customers. I'll
let you drink for free and throw in an
extra thirty... Make that fifty bucks
for your time.

CANDIE
Plus all tips?

FILBERT
Jeez, yer fucking killin' me here
bitch. Awright, plus tips.

CANDIE
Alright.

EXT: LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT

Meanwhile, Cletus is not doing so good. Feeling stomach distress, he pulls into a Liquor store parking lot. Sweaty and shaking he leans against the front of his truck. He begins to convulse.

Then he vomits. Not just any vomit, but projectile vomit and more vomit than anyone has ever seen. More than a human body should ever be capable of physically containing. Gallons and gallons and gallons of red blobby vomit. (Except something different than red and blobby! Maybe just chunky and bloody like actually hurling his GUTS out)

He literally paintblasts the entire sidewalk, part of the building wall about ten feet up, and a section of the parking lot with all this vomit. Then gets back in the truck.

A few moment later, an older bearded man walking a tiny dog on a leash comes along the sidewalk. The dog stops, refusing to walk across the vomit puddle. Barking and nervous. The man has already stepped a few feet into the blob vomit. The man pulls the dogs leash, but the dog won't budge or get any closer to it.

(There is a small hand drawn sketch next to this section of a dog crouching to make poop, but fire is coming out of his ass and the note "Rent the studio our dog? Cha-ching!")

From the curb, Cletus sits in his truck, partly recovered. He begins to watch the man and the dog.

MAN
C'mon, Charlie! Let's get moving!

The dog still won't budge.

Suddenly, like a giant mouth, the huge puddle of blob/vomit closes around the man. (NOTE TO SELF: Music cue, write evil loud song called "Rob Zombies theme from the Blob") Cletus' eyes go wide. From within the translucent blob the shape of the man struggles. Then the blob begins turning red (except not red or blobby) as his blood begins to flow.

In his truck, Cletus' is freaking out. Outside, the dog runs away yelping down the street as his master fights to get out of the blob.

Then the blob stretches, shooting out a long shapeless tendril which wraps around the corner of the building and into an alley. Cletus grabs a shotgun off of the rifle rack of his truck and opens the door, rushing toward the man devouring thing. (Maybe I should remake THE THING next, except without the thing thingy? Nah, just rip it off. Maybe I'll make The Blob a shape shifter like The Thing, except one that can take on any shape at will)

Cletus aims his rifle. Just then as fast as hell, the blob pulls itself and the struggling man around the corner of the building and into the alley. Cletus falls backwards onto the ground, fully surprised and not believing what he has seen. Quickly he gets up and rushes into the alley.

INT: ALLEY - CONTINUOUS

The blob is back lit now by a bright light farther down the alley, the fighting and struggling mans shape clearly outlined within it. Cletus raises the rifle to shoot, but doesn't know what part of the blob to shoot at and does not want to chance hitting the struggling man within. Finally the shape of the man just collapses with a sickening crunch as if crushed like an empty soda can. Cletus fires. The bullets just seem to hit the blob with a dull thump, becoming absorbed. He fires again and again to the same effect.

Then the blob swats him, knocking him backwards through the air. He hits a fence, then falls to the ground unconscious, the rifle falling next to him.

The Blob quickly pulls itself up to the roof of the building and disappears from view in a flash.

Cletus stirs, trying to sit up, then collapses again.

INT. THE HORE HOLE - NIGHT

Candie is sitting at the bar chatting up the customers. Filbert is working behind the bar. Candie leans toward him, pushing her glass across the bar.

CANDIE
Could you give me a refill on that?

FILBERT
Sure thing, sugartitties. Anything for
my star attraction.

She smiles.

CANDIE
Y'know Filbert, you ain't so bad when
you're being civil to a lady.

FILBERT
Now don't you go spreadin' stories
like that around, 'cause I have
everybody fooled to the contrary that
I'm a rat bastard first-rate
granny fucker.

CANDIE
Not so bad at all.

FILBERT
(Down low)
Well, the night is still young yet.

He mixes her drink. While she is distracted by a customer, he sneaks a small sized squeeze bottle out of his back pocket and squirts a healthy sized portion of its contents into her drink. He quickly mixes it with a spoon, then places the glass on the bar.

FILBERT
There you go.

He watches with an evil glint in his eye and a smirk as she takes a deep gulp of the drink.

EXT: ALLEY - NIGHT

Cletus comes around, picking himself up off the ground. There is no sign of the Blob, which is now long gone. However, could he see up on the roof of the nearby building, he would see a pile of bloody steaming bones discarded there.

EXT: LIQUOR STORE - CONTINUOUS

Cletus makes his way back to the truck and climbs in, then pulls away from the curb.

EXT: TOWN - NIGHT

Cletus slowly drives through town, gun ready on his lap, looking for the slightest trace of anything that might be wrong.

INT: THE HORE WHOLE - NIGHT

Candie is beginning to feel the effects of her drugged drink. The room is growing fuzzy out of focus around the edges. Sound is echoing. She attempts to stand from her stool, only to stumble, grabbing the bar to steady herself. Filbert is right there to catch her before she falls.

FILBERT
What's the matter, darlin'?

CANDIE
I don't know. I'm Dizzy... All
sweaty...

FILBERT
Let's get you some fresh air.

He steers her toward the back exit door of the bar.

EXT: HORE WHOLE - NIGHT

Filbert needs to hold her up as he and Candie exit the back door.

CANDIE
I need to lay down. Don't
know what's...

FILBERT
My van is parked right
over here...

She passes out completely and he slings her over his shoulder carrying her.

FILBERT
Stupid fucking whore. So you thought
I didn't know what you were up
to, huh slut? Thought I didn't know
you was getting ready to run out
on me, didja tramp?

He opens the back doors of his van (a real shitty customized fuckmobile right out of the 1970s) and unceremoniously dumps her onto the dirty mattress inside. Then climbs in, slamming the doors behind him.

INT: VAN - NIGHT

He undoes her blouse, stripping her naked from the waist up.

FILBERT
Well we decided to throw you a little
going away party you ain't gonna forget
soon... That is if you can remember it
at all, which you won't. You think your
pussy is gonna get you the gold, huh?
Well by the time I've used it all up
it won't be worth a plug nickle!

He moves to the side doors of the van now and opens them up. A long line of the most decrepit and disgusting hillbilly red necks on the planet is waiting their turn at her.

FILBERT
As promised boys, get your rocks off
and pop a load in if you want! No hole
is off limits, because she can't say
no! Just ten bucks a poke! This
little lady is equipt to pull the
whole train all the way home!

He goes down the line collecting money from customers as the first couple of dirty lowlifes climb into the van.

TOOTHLESS CUSTOMER
Hey, w-w-we gotta wear a
cocksock or anything?

FILBERT
Shit... We ain't gonna tell you to
not to do nuthin here that the
livestock back on the farm won't
tell you not to do!

Some of those in the line give an evil laugh. The van doors slam shut for the first group. The van begins creaking and bouncing

From the back door of The Hore Whole, Sharon watches, an evil smile on her cruel mouth and a hateful look in her eyes.

The subtext here is that the Blob, which infected Candie earlier in the night and is using her body for a host, will now spread to all of those that come in contact with her. The Blob will spread as a venereal disease. By dawn, the alien infestation of this town and the surrounding area, will be rampantly out of control.

EXT: CITY PARK - NIGHT

As Cletus drives his truck past the playground, he sees a weird movement in some bushes.

He stops the truck and gets out, gun aimed in front of him as he approaches the bushes.

CLETUS
I don't know what in the wide world
of Wanda Jackson's big fat ass you
are, but you better come the fuck
out of there!

The movement in the bushes stops. Silence. Then the little dog we saw earlier pokes its head out from between the branches. Cletus relaxes.

CLETUS
C'mere pup. It's alright.

The dog meekly comes toward him. Cletus sits on the curb exhausted and lights a cigarette. The shy dog eventually joins him, sitting on the curb next to him.

CLETUS
Seems like neither of us are having
a good night at all, huh pup?

He takes a long drag on the cigarette, then reaches down to scratch the dog behind the ears. The dog wags its tail and licks his hand.

CLETUS
Well, I can't leave you out here
alone. I guess I better bring you
home with me until I can figure
out what to do with you.

He picks up the dog and places him in the truck.

CLETUS
I just hope old Doc Hallen can
cure whatever is wrong with me.

Just then, another wave of nausea rushes over him. He turns away from the truck and rushes toward the playground. Like before, he hurls his guts projectile style all over the place. Gallon upon gallon of Blob vomit ooze and dribble, hanging from the monkey bars, swings, slide, and other playground standbys.

In the truck, the dog whines concern, frightened.

Cletus regains his composure, looking at the mess that his guts have birthed. He turns back toward the truck and begins walking the few steps.

The dog appears at the window, barking frantically.

CLETUS
What's wrong you dumb nutlicker? Never
seen anyone puke their fuckin
guts out before?

The dog continues barking.

CLETUS
What is it dumbass?

He looks in the direction that the dog is barking, back toward the playground...

The blob / vomit is completely gone. No trace remains.

CLETUS
Oh, shit. It crawled off.

The dog hides beneath a blanket on the floor of the truck. Spooked, Cletus jumps into the truck and drives away at top speed.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

In transcribing the notes for this article, I realized that the middle of the story had a huge hole in it (not unusual for a Rob Zombie story) as if several pages were missing or it had not been written yet. Few clues were available in the several nearly completely unreadably scrawled pages that followed. What remained on the last few pages seemed like it was the end of the story. Where the beginning of the story had fully fleshed out scenes, the following are the very bare bones and sketchy...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

INT: CANDIE'S CAR - NIGHT

She is a mess, beaten up and abused. Near hysterical she decides not to make a police report, but instead to just drive away from this shitty little town and put it all behind her

EXT: COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

Candie's car passes a pick-up truck that has gone off the road and partly into a drainage ditch, but does not bother to stop. Laying on the ground next to the truck is one of the guys that we will recognize from being in line to have sex with Candie earlier. His crotch is smoking and steaming, covered with blob. The blob expands and grows, covering the rest of him.

In the truck, sits his friend (another familiar face from the fuck line), or at least what is left of him. His body is a bloody skeleton, only his head and face has not been devoured yet.

On the ground, two large blobs move toward each other. They combine into one big blob. Then they turn into a humanoid form. They slowly take on the characteristics of one of the men. It stands and begins to walk, following Candie's car in the distance.

EXT: INTERSECTION - NIGHT

A traffic light turns red. Candie pulls behind another car that is already stopped at the light. The light turns green, but the first car doesn't move.

INT: CANDIE'S CAR

She honks her horn. The car still doesn't move. She blares the horn again, much longer.this time. The drivers door of the car ahead of her opens and a man stumbles out. He limps toward her car, holding his smoking crotch, but most of his mid-section is covered with Blob.

MAN
Help me... Please help me.

She is horrified. He stumbles against the front fender of her car, then sees her.

MAN
You! You did this to me! What the
fuck is wrong with your pussy
anyway?!! You dirty whore!

He is making his way to her door now.

She floors the gas pedal, bumping him out of the way, and escapes.

EXT: INTERSECTION - NIGHT

The man makes a few steps, chasing her car, then stops and collapses on the ground.

MAN
Help me you dirty fucking whore!

The Blob envelops the rest of his body, completely devouring him.

The other blob man that we saw earlier approaches and watches as the man on the ground is assimilated. The blob on the fallen man crawls off, leaving nothing but bloody bones. It merges with the standing blob man. As they combine, they turn into a larger featureless humanoid blob creature.

More and more of the blobmen, shape shifted into the guise of their victims, begin arriving at the cross roads. Each of them merge and combine with the larger creature, until one massive creature remains. It turns in the direction that Candie's car has disappeared.

Meanwhile...

EXT: OLD HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The engine sputters and quits in Candie's car. She pulls it off the lonely road and onto the shoulder.

INT: CANDIE'S CAR - NIGHT

She turns the key repeatedly, but the engine won't start again. Frustrated and in tears, she slams the steering wheel with her fists. Suddenly there is a bright blinding light shining in her window, scaring the hell out of her. She screams.

It is only Cletus, using the spotlight on his pick-up truck.

CLETUS
It's alright ma'am. Did your car
break down? Do you need assistance?

EXT: OLD HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Cletus lifts the hood of her car.

CANDIE
It just kept losing power the last
couple miles, then it quit and I
couldn't get it started again.

Cletus makes a few inspections under the hood.

CLETUS
Well, there's your problem. You
have a cracked alternator cap.

(I think that he means Distributor Cap. Rob Zombie obviously knows as little about cars as he does about making an original movie.)

CANDIE
Can it be fixed?

CLETUS
I can set you up with another one
out at my wrecking yard for just
a couple of bucks. It's an easy fix.
I'll show you how to do it.

CANDIE
Oh, thank god. I finally found a
charitable soul in this town. Funny
how it is the night I'm getting
the hell out of here.

He unhooks the wires from the cap and removes it.

CLETUS
See, you just replace the wires in
the same order you took 'em off.
Let's go get that part.

INT: CLETUS' TRUCK - NIGHT

They drive along the road.

CLETUS
It is good I came along when I did.
Probably good that you are getting
out of town too. There is a lot of
weird shit going on around
here tonight.

CANDIE
You're telling me. Some guy with
this, I dunno what to call it,
gooey stuff all over him, tried
to attack me earlier.

CLETUS
Did he touch you? Did you get
any of it on you?

CANDIE
No, I was in my car.

CLETUS
Good. Probably nothing to worry
about then. Here we are...

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

The truck pulls into the gates.

EXT: COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

The blob creature stalks toward Candie's disabled car and stops. Seeing she is gone, it looks up the road in the direction that Cletus' truck traveled. The hulking creature continues on its way, its loud heavy footsteps vibrating the surrounding area.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

Cletus and Candie are out in the wrecking yard. He bends under the hood of an old car and pulls out an alternator cap. (Dammit Rob it is a DISTRIBUTOR CAP dummy!)

CLETUS
There you go... This one will
work on your engine.

He hands it to her.

CANDIE
Thanks, how much do I owe you?

CLETUS
Aw, consider it a bon voyage gift.
Just get there safe.

She smiles.

CANDIE
Thanks!

CLETUS
Just promise to send me a postcard
from Hollywood.

CANDIE
Consider it done.

They shake on it. Just then a pile of old cars stacked five high topples and falls over nearby, startling them.

They turn to see the large gelatinous humanoid Blob creature rising behind it.

CANDIE
What the fuck is that thing?!

CLETUS
It's that creature that I told you
about... And its grown... Run!!!

They run through the maze of wrecked cars. The Blob follows them, tossing cars out of the way like toys as it goes.

Candie's pants leg gets caught on a sharp bumper of one of the wrecked cars. Cletus stops to help her, freeing the torn piece of fabric.

CLETUS
Let's get to my truck and get
the fuck out of here!

They continue running. As they come around the corner of a stack of cars they see the creature blocking the way to the truck.

CLETUS
C'mon!

He grabs her by the arm and they run up small hill to his house trailer. The Blob runs after them, ground shaking with every step.

They run into the trailer, slamming the door shut.

INT: CLETUS' TRAILER - NIGHT

He locks the door behind them. Candie sprawls onto the floor, cowering in a corner.

CANDIE
What does that big piece of
shit want with us?!!

CLETUS
I don't know! Quick, check
all the windows!

They rush from window to window closing them. Lastly, Cletus cranks a ceiling vent closed.

EXT: TRAILER - NIGHT

The Blob approaches the trailer and turning into an ooze form covers it. The Blob completely envelops the trailer.

INT: TRAILER - NIGHT

The trailer shudders and shakes, Cletus and Candie fall to the floor looking up as the windows go dark, the blob covering them.

Cletus grabs his telephone, dialing 911.

INT: EMERGENCY UNIT - NIGHT

An operator answers the phone.

OPERATOR
Hello, Gibbsville Emergency Services.

INT: TRAILER

Cletus yells into the phone.

CLETUS
This is Cletus Malvern out at Cletus's
Wrecking Yard... We needs some
help out here! This large thing
has trapped us inside of my trailer!

INT: EMERGENCY UNIT - NIGHT

The operator interacts with him.

OPERATOR
Yes... Yes... A Blob you say? Can
you identify it?
(Pause)
Yes.... And then what?
(Pause)
Yes... I see... We'll send some emergency
units right out to you.
(Pause)
Yes, sir. Just stay calm.

INT: TRAILER

Cletus hangs up the phone.

CANDIE
What did they say?

CLETUS
They're sending some police and fire
units out to rescue us.

CANDIE
Boy fuckin howdy they better.

INT: EMERGENCY UNIT - NIGHT

The operator hands a sheet of paper to a Police Deputy.

DEPUTY
Cletus Malvern you say? Sounds like
that old boy's dipped into the moonshine
and got the crazies again.

OPERATOR
I don't know, he sounded awfully
scared and serious.

DEPUTY
He did that night that he called in
about the little green men from Mars
too. I was fool enough to go and answer
that call personally if you recall....

OPERATOR
What should we do then?

DEPUTY
Just let him sober up. He'll
sleep it off. The damn juicehead.

He tosses the phone report into a desktop paper shredder.

INT: TRAILER - NIGHT

Candie looks up hopefully.

CANDIE
All I wanted to do was get out of
this fuckin town. How long do you
think until they get here?

CLETUS
I dunno...

Just then there are the sound of engines and heavy machinery outside.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

The Blob covered house trailer is surrounded at a distance by blacked out government vehicles. They shine blindingly bright spotlights on the trailer. Soldiers in full battle gear with weapons pile out of the trucks and other vehicles and take position around the site.

INT: TRAILER

The inside of the trailer is glowing red from the spotlights shining through the gelatinous blob that surrounds them.

CLETUS
I'll be dipped in monkeyshit...
They got here quick.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

A black on black helicopter comes over a nearby hillside and hovers over the site for a moment, then lands a short distance away. General Alexander emerges (NOTE TO SELF: Possible casting idea Malcolm McDowell? See if he'll work with me again.)

ALEXANDER
(to aide)
What is it surrounding?

AIDE
A house trailer, we believe. The
home of the wrecking yard owner.

ALEXANDER
See if you can get me a direct
line in there.

INT: TRAILER

Some of the blob is beginning to seep into the crack around the front door. Candie sees it and screams. Cletus grabs a fire extinguisher from a stack of them in a corner.

CLETUS
It's alright... I found out in town
this thing don't like the cold much.

He sprays the blob with the CO2 fire extinguisher. It retreats back out of the seam around the door.

CANDIE
There's some more!

More blob is coming through a ceiling vent. Cletus sprays it and it also retreats.

CLETUS
Grab another extinguisher! If you
see any of that fuckin' space
lube, blast it! We'll be alright
as long as the CO2 holds out.

She grabs an extinguisher.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

The General's Aide looks up at the advertising sign for the wrecking yard. He dials the phone number into a cel phone.

AIDE
It's ringing.

He hands the phone to Alexander.

INT: TRAILER

The phone rings. Cletus answers it.

CLETUS
I dunno who the fuck this is, but
I'm a little fuckin' busy
right now asshole...

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

Alexander speaks into the phone, set on speaker.

ALEXANDER
This is General Alexander... We're
here to rescue you.

CLETUS
Aw, shit,,,sorry. Listen, this blobby
thing doesn't like the cold. If
you can get enough cold on it...

ALEXANDER
I know. We've dealt with these things
before. Just keep in mind son, that it
doesn't look good. How many of you
are in there?

CLETUS
Two. There are two of us.

ALEXANDER
Are either of you infected?

CLETUS
I am.

ALEXANDER
That's not good.

CLETUS
Lemme guess, there is no fucking
cure for this shit is there?

ALEXANDER
No, son... There isn't as far
as we know...not yet anyway.

CLETUS
So I'm a goner then?

ALEXANDER
We'll try and get you out and into
quarantine for testing, but I'll tell
you that your chances are slim. We
have to take a stand with this thing
right here and now. If it gets loose,
the entire human race will be at risk.
I'm just saying that, you need to
prepare yourself for the inevitable.
You may not make it.

CLETUS
I see. Aww, fucknuts.

ALEXANDER
Just hang tight. We'll do what we
can and I'll call you back with updates.

CLETUS
Yes sir. You just do what you need to do.

INT: TRAILER

The entire trailer shudders. The walls flex, as if the creature is beginning to crush them. Candie screams.

CLETUS
The Blob is trying to crush
my friggin' trailer to
get to us! Hurry!

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

ALEXANDER
The organism is very single minded. Once
it gets you, it will have no reason
to stay around. It will either turn
on us, or it could escape. We
have to take action.

CLETUS
I understand.

INT: TRAILER

Cletus hangs up the phone. His body sags. He feels hopeless.

CANDIE
What is it? What the fuck
did they say?

Cletus looks up. He doesn't look well, sweating and flushed.

CLETUS
There is something I didn't mention
to you before. This fucking Blob
thing whatever it is... I'm infected.
I think I'm the one that has been
giving birth to these shitty things.

CANDIE
What are you talking abou...?

Just then his body convulses several times. He cries out as he holds his stomach. Then the projectile vomit comes, gallons of it, he spews it into the kitchen area.

CANDIE
Oh, shit!

As Cletus tries to recover, the thick puddle begins to move. The formless starts to take form and sit up, like a cobra preparing to strike.

Candie sprays it down with the CO2 extinguisher. The new Blob makes a high pitched squeal and shrinks away, retreating out of the crack beneath the front door.

CANDIE
Fucking hell! Whatever you do, don't
make any more of that shit you
dumb cocksucker! We got enough
to worry about!

CLETUS
I'm sorry. They are going to attack
the creature somehow in the next
few minutes, General Alexander already
told me we probably won't survive. You
don't deserve to be here.

CANDIE
Fucking right I don't.

CLETUS
But I think I can get you out of here.

CANDIE
How?

CLETUS
Through the cellar.

CANDIE
News flash, you live in a trailer.
Mobile homes don't have basements,
dumbass.

CLETUS
Listen, my daddy used to manufacture
and run moonshine. We had to store
it somewhere that no one ever
expected to look...

He peels back a throw rug to reveal a trap door hiding below. Opening it, he reveals a retractable accordion passage about two or three feet deep, which leads to another trap door set into the ground outside.

CANDIE
Jesus, you do have a cellar.

CLETUS
A cellar with a passage that leads
to an exit down the hill, under
the fence, and into the woods.

CANDIE
Let's go then...

He shakes his head no.

CLETUS
I'm infected. It's better I stay here
and take my chances. If they can
get me out alive they can put me in
isolation and maybe come up
with a cure for me.

CANDIE
What if they don't get you out?

CLETUS
I die today and the world is safe
from the infection spreading. I
got nothin' 'cept this old junkyard
my pappy left me. Least this way,
I'd die a hero.

The trailer flexes again as the blob attempts to crush it and gain entry.

CANDIE
But I can't just leave you like this.

CLETUS
Got to. They're the Government. They
might just kill you for knowing too
much top secret stuff. Go down the
hole. Soon as you're clear, I'll
separate the accordion. They'll never
know the difference. As far as
they are concerned...

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

ALEXANDER
They're expendable. Acceptable losses.
Collateral damages. What are the
lives of two fucking Hillbillies
when the survival of the world
is at stake?

AIDE
I know sir, but...

ALEXANDER
Have the soldiers take their positions.

Soldiers with strange guns connected to hoses take their positions around the trailer. The hoses lead to a large Tanker Truck labeled "LIQUID NITROGEN".

INT: TRAILER

Candie goes down the trap door and into the second trapdoor. He hands Charlie the dog down to her.

CLETUS
And take care of that little
pup for me.

CANDIE
Good luck.

CLETUS
Anything can happen, hope for the best.
Send me that postcard from Hollywood...
If I make it, I hope to read it
and know how yer doin' someday.

CANDIE
I will.

She smiles. He closes the second trap door on her and locks it. Then he pulls the pins that separate the accordion seal. The Blob rushes in toward him. He blasts at it with a CO2 Extinguisher. The Blob retreats. He closes the trap door in the trailer floor and pulls the rug over it.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

ALEXANDER
Fire!

The soldiers spray the Blob covered trailer with liquid nitrogen. The blob is quick frozen solid by the chemical
.

INT: TRAILER

Cletus takes a deep gulp from a bottle of moonshine, then
throws it against the wall, shattering it. Then he takes a lit joint, inhales from it deeply, and tosses it on the splashed moonshine. It bursts into flame. He sits on the couch and watches it burn.

INT: TUNNEL

Candie makes her way along the passage in the darkness.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

Alexander shouts an order.

ALEXANDER
Cease fire!

The soldiers stop spraying the nitrogen.

AIDE
What is that sir?

They see the glowing flicker that shows through the Blob from the windows of the trailer within.

ALEXANDER
There is a fire inside the trailer.

AIDE
It will thaw the frozen organism!

Frustrated, Alexander looks through his binoculars, spotting the wedges under the trailer tires. He also sees huge hydraulic a car crusher nearby.

ALEXANDER
I have an idea.

SAME LOCATION - MOMENTS LATER

A soldier pulls the wedges from beneath the trailer wheels. Another soldier in a jeep, then nudges the trailer with his bumper from the other side.

The little trailer home begins to roll, then pucks up speed down the hill.

At the bottom of the hill the trailer zooms up a ramp and crashes inside of the hydraulic car crusher.

Alexander gives the nod to his Aide, who is at the hydraulic control board. He flips the switches. The sides of the huge machine comes together, then the top lowers. The trailer begins to be crushed.

INT: TRAILER

Cletus panics as the side walls come in at him and the ceiling caves in. He tries in vain to hold them back with his hands and arms.

EXT: WOODS - NIGHT

Candie watches in terror and tears as the trailer is crushed. She has to look away. She runs into the woods, trying to not be spotted.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

The car crusher opens to reveal the trailer, now crushed into a tidy four foot by four foot cube.

Soldiers step in to spray it with CO2 extinguishers. Then the entire cube is lifted with a crane claw and dropped into a huge tank of Liquid Nitrogen on the back of a truck.

Alexander speaks into a cell phone.

ALEXANDER
The alien enemy threat has been
neutralized. The Earth is once again
safe from The Blob.

EXT: COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

Candie connects the final wire to the alternator cap, then gets in the car and turns the key. The car engine struggles, then turns over as it starts. She smiles, jumping out of the car to close the hood, then drives away as fast as possible.

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

As the government agents secure the area, giving it one last sweep, a soldier kneels at the trapdoor cellar entrance where the trailer used to sit.

AIDE
Do you think?

ALEXANDER
Let's hope not.

AIDE
But there is apparently an exit
in the woods, fresh footprints.

ALEXANDER
Let's leave that bit out of the report,
shall we Captain? No one and no
thing escaped here alive tonight.
I'm positive of that.

The liquid nitrogen truck drives out of the gates and onto the highway. He watches it go.

ALEXANDER
We'll escort the truck from above,
then meet at the containment and
disposal area at oh-nine-hundred hours.

Both men climb into the waiting helicopter and lift off, following the truck.

AIDE
(v.o.)
Do you think well have any appearances
of these things again any time soon, sir.

ALEXANDER
It isn't a question of when, as much as where.

DISSOLVE TO:

SUPERTITLE: 4 DAYS LATER...

EXT: HOLLYWOOD - DAY

Candie drops a postcard into a mail box. She holds Charlie the dog on a leash.

ZOOM TO: THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN is visible on the hills behind her. A superimposed question mark appears after the Hollywood sign.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT: CLETUS' MIDNIGHT AUTO PARTS WRECKING YARD - NIGHT

A rural postman stops at the mailbox outside of the wrecking yard. He leaves Candie's post card in the box, then continues on his rounds.

Camera pans past the mailbox and to the quiet wrecking yard beyond. Down the rows and mazes of wrecked cars to the hill where the trailer used to stand. The porch remains, as does Cletus' outdoors beer cooler / freezer. It is now unplugged. Something reddish drips from the door seal. It drops to the ground making a question mark shape for a moment, then squirms away.

The Blob lives.

FADE TO BLACK:

END CREDITS ROLL

THE END?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, that was incomplete, but man it was just awful wasn't it? The worst thing ever.

As you can see, Rob Zombie's idea to remake the classic 1950s Blob movie will be, if possible, even worse than the 1980s remake. And that was just plain hideously bad. Look forward to filthy-mouthed hillbillys, lots of shakey camera work to create the illusion of action, the usual cast of idiots, and of course Rob Zombie laughing all the way to the bank and action like a bigshot on talk shows like he is an Einstein for remaking someone elses story.

Rob Zombie has been quoted as saying publically that the first thing he is going to change about the remake is he is going to "get rid of that red blobby thing". Without the "red blobby thing" you don't have "The Blob", which shows he is just using the saleable title (which is familiar in the public consciousness already) and has no loyalty to the original 1958 movie.

Alright, let's see what direction he goes in, shall we?

Stop Rob. Rethink this. Spend the same money and come up with something completely original. You pass yourself off as being so cutting edge and alternative, but making a remake is the opposite of all that If you are incapable of thinking up and writing something original, find someone to write it for you. We simply don't need more unoriginal crap out of you. Your cursing hillbillies, shaky camera, garbage remakes are as tired as your unoriginal butt metal music. You haven't done anything fresh, original, or the least bit viable since the early-1990's. Isn't it time to reinvent yourself? Or at least retire and disappear from the public eye before you become even more of a laughing stock?

You have done a remake, then a sequel of a remake, now you attempt to do the most ridiculous thing of all... A remake of a remake. It has to stop.

We don't want The Blob to be remade. We don't want any movies to be remade. ...Even remakes. We will boycott them and urge others to boycott them too. Haven't the declining returns at the box office for your last remakes taught you anything?

"My name is Tubags and I am a Horror Drunx (undercover)."

Boycott Horror Movie Remakes!

Tubags Noggenhed
Los Angeles, Ca.
October 2009

P.S. The previous script outline is fake. Rob Zombie didn't write it, I did. But it was not done to fool anyone or pull the wool over their eyes, it was done to make a point... The story is pretty horribly awful, but anyone can write a screenplay comparable to a Rob Zombie script. Yet this is for certain better than anything Rob Zombie himself could come up with. I figure I'd just better say this now, before Zombie rips off the ideas of my satire of his idea for a script and says they were his ideas all along, which I wouldn't put past the little weasel. It makes more sense (logic lapses and holes in the story aside) than any Rob Zombie story has to date.

I still wouldn't put him past stealing it. If you see any of the ideas here in his crap remake, you'll know where he got them. The reason I didn't put my own name on this, because it is junk and I'm a much better writer than this. I don't need to take credit, but if he rips me off he will be paying me some cash. You can bet your ass on it.

---

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