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WHAT IS MAKING GUILLERMO DEL TORO TICK?

:Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll remakes next in line?

A Horror Drunx Exclusive article
by
Jason Grove

It has come to my attention that Guillermo del Toro's stomach is growling again and despite his production company being called The Tequila Gang, it is quite obvious he is NOT a Horror Drunx.

ABOVE:The grinning face of gluttonous evil.

The maker of comic book movies and sequels to comic book movies... HELLBOY, HELLBOY 2 (and their various video games and animated versions) and BLADE 2... Is now prepping the HOBBIT films with Peter Jackson. We can only hope that Jackson (whose brilliant version of KING KONG makes our short list of acceptable sequels) will be a good influence on him, especially given the latest news that del Toro has been attached to helm the remakes of monster crown jewels FRANKENSTEIN and DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE for Universal.

If there was a list of films that didn't need to get remade those are certainly amongst them, having already been remade several times before with little to no success or good audience response.

Why do you have to go there Guillermo? One has to think that Universal had plans to remake them already, but that he stepped in as the man likely to cause the least damage. Brownie points do go to him for being offered and turning down chances to make BLADE: TRINITY, ALIEN VS. PREDATOR, HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, HALO, HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE and even I AM LEGEND, but all that good will might just be wiped away with his acceptance of the 12 lettered F-word. FRANKENSTEIN may reportedly be one of his favorite childhood movies, but given Universal's track record, expecting for monster lightening to strike twice for them in the same decade is too much to hope for anymore. Frankenstein is one of the favorite films of a LOT of people I know, but those people have better sense and are respectful enough to not try and remake it.

Even their KING KONG done by Jackson, though a great film, is of little consequence only a couple years after it has been released and the initial hoopla has died down, yet the 1933 original still remains eternal. It makes you wonder why to bother remaking anything at all? Really, spend the time, money and effort trying to create original new classics for the upcoming decades, rather than recreate the classics of past decades. I guess that if anything, it underlines that they are putting commerce over art and again and it is all only about making money.

ABOVE: Eyeing up his next meal on the set of PAN'S LABYRINTH

Now before you go and say, "There's the Horror Drunx just whining about remakes again, just give Guillermo a chance, he is a talented guy!", let's look at the other projects this talent has in the pipeline... A remake of SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE and a remake of THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD... Both remakes based on novels. Then there is the H.P. Lovecraft novel AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS and David Moody's HATER. Even those ideas aren't coming from an original place. No one is creating anything new. It is all just more upchucking of old ideas. If someone has to fill up 120 pages with screenplay, would it be too much to ask that they please just fill them with something new and original? Apparently, it is.

The current Hollywood trade papers are reporting that Guillermo del Toro is booked solid with projects until the year 2017. It will be a decade. TEN YEARS OF REMAKES AND UNORIGINAL THOUGHT.

Let's look for a moment at the kind psychology that defines Guillermo del Toro. He is so influenced in his life by the work of other film makers that immediately after first seeing the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE he became a vegetarian for four years. Crap, grow some balls will you?!! Like the ads say "Keep repeating...It's only a movie...It's only a movie". If movies effect you that deeply (though apparently not deeply enough to STAY a vegetarian) that is a mental illness and you should stop seeing other peoples movies. PLEASE stop seeing other peoples movies and reading their books, it only encourages you to remake them. Get professional help. Psychiatric help, not help from a film industry agent.

Now a lot of people have probably heard a lot of talk around the HD boards about the greedy collector and Horrorfanny mentality and how much some of us look down on it, but you haven't figured out why. There's a reason. Because there is a certain type of person that is drawn toward those kind of behaviors. Guillermo del Toro seems to completely fit that profile. The guy is apparently such a collector of film memorabilia and comic books that he actually had to buy a separate home to keep it all in. Yep, one house for himself and his family, and the other house for his collection. Who needs that much crap? It is like a sickness. Once the greedy collector mentality takes over they have to collect everything they can and once they get it they won't let go of it until it is pried from their cold dead grip. It is one of the 7 deadly sins, GLUTTONY incarnate. And even from the looks of Guillermo del Toro, going along the same lines, the guy has never put down the fork and pushed away his plate either. The only difference is that now he collects other peoples movies and books so that he can remake them.

ABOVE:"No! This is MINE and if you try and take it from me I'll EAT you!"

Guillermo. You should have stayed a vegetarian, maybe you wouldn't have become such a heap. You could have done the positive thing, exercised you body and become strong, exercised your mind and become more original... Maybe even come up with a fresh idea of your own, rather than being a parasite feeding on the ideas of others.

Honestly, he is coming off like Hollywood equivalent of the gluttonish hungry guy that hovers over your food plate repeating "Are you gonna finish all that?" until you just give it to him. Then after wolfing down someone elses food that he wanted he has the nerve to say "That is really good! Give me the recipe so I can remake my own version of it myself and sell it to people!".

Well fellow Horror Drunx, now we know what we'll be doing for the next 10 years too. Boycotting remakes... Spreading the word and making remakes even more undesirable a notion to the public at large... And loudly blowing the whistle every time some lump like Guillermo del Toro blows his nose into a piece of motion-picture film and tries to pass it off as a real movie. But it is easy, the Horror Drunx will only grow bigger and that just means more people that won't be buying his movie tickets.

And here I was hoping The Horror Drunx would be out of a job by then and that we'd have become extinct as the world changed for the better.

A big fat FUCK YOU to Guillermo del Toro, for keeping us Horror Drunx out of the unemployment lines for the next 10 years.

"My name is Jason Grove and I am a Horror Drunx"

Jason Grove

Hollywood, California

October 2008