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FREDDY AND JASON VS. MICHAEL BAY

A Horror Drunx Exclusive article
by
Jason Grove

The remake monster is lying to the public again. That became all too obvious when the trailer for Platinum Dunes (a production company owned by Michael Bay) remake of FRIDAY THE 13^TH proudly proclaimed "From the makers of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE". But they really weren't the makers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre were they? That would have been Tobe Hooper who directed the original film in 1974. What they really meant was from the makers of the really hideously bad Texas Chainsaw REMAKE a couple years ago.

This kind of blatant lie is an attempt to dupe the unsuspecting public and rewrite history in the minds of the less informed... And it really shouldn't pass unnoticed... But this seems to be the accepted way that Michael Bay does business.

Since Bay first became a blip on movie goers radar in the 1980's he has lied to get ahead. For most of the last few decades Michael Bay has been telling the world that famed director John Frankenheimer was his father, a story which Frankenheimer himself not only denies, but even proved to be wrong with a DNA test. Still Bay, not one to want to abandon a tall tale, ignored those hard facts, insisting that the DNA testing was in error. Does the guy refuse to admit to a lie even when it is irrefutable to save face publicly, or does he live in such a fantasy world that he believes it himself? You be the judge here. But when asked directly by The Horror Drunx own Kate Von Spooky, his answer was telling... He deflected the question by saying: "What movies have you directed?"

Typical arrogance.

Later this week his company will be releasing the much dreaded remake of FRIDAY THE 13^TH in theaters near you and the studio publicity machine is already in overdrive hoping to pick the pockets of ignorant movie goers everywhere. I've got to say that it looks horrible. The screenplay has come into my hands and though I won't reveal any spoilers or specific story (Because who wants a lawsuit from Michael Bay) I will say it reads like it was written by people who not only don't respect the original film and its resulting series, but also think that their target audience must all be morons. Morons enough to fall for a thin plot line and A LOT of implausible, even impossible aspects to the story.

Another of our Horror Drunx that is undercover in the motion-picture industry admitted that he was first approached a couple years ago to write the screenplay he gave Platinum Dunes the runaround. He didn't want to do it, but sometimes flatly turning down a job in Hollywood can make enemies in the industry. So instead he said he would do it for an impossibly enormous fee (1.5 million dollars) hoping it would price him out of accepting work he didn't want to do. Instead, Platinum Dunes began negotiating with him hoping to hook him for the job anyway. He continued negotiating in hopes that it would at least delay the remake and maybe at most dissuade them from even making the damn thing. Then his agent reported "These people are insane! ...They are offering over a million dollars!". Being a Horror Drunx with scruples, the writer stuck to his guns and wouldn't budge on the amount however and eventually they broke off negotiations with him, hoping to find someone ready to sell their creative soul for a cheaper price. Hollywood being a town filled with soulless hacks who will write any junk for a screen credit and a check, they eventually found a more reasonable whore.

So now what are we left with? Some forgettable pile of garbage will indeed be coming out Friday February 13^th. Then the uninformed primates that have become the new fans of gore for gores sake flix can trot off to a multi-plex near them to part with some hard earned wages... In exchange for the honor of seeing an all-growed-up Special Olympics reject in a hockey mask hack some bad actors with his machete'. Platinum Dunes has also announced plans to unleash a list of other remakes, including A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and horror of horrors, a remake of Alfred Hitchcock's classic THE BIRDS (anyone remember the hideous remake of Psycho?), a remake of Roman Polanski's ROSEMARY'S BABY and others.

The only way for the public and anyone who cares about the Horror genre to stop remakes, is to not pay a dime to see them. When it no longer makes money for Michael Bay and others, you take away their entire incentive for remakes. Kick them square in the wallets the same way they have been kicking us for years. Slice their jugulars with a real BOYCOTT and as soon as they realize they are hemorrhaging money making movies no one will see, they will stop making them. It's that simple.

And if you are the kind of ass-sniffer that pays to see remakes, you deserve what you get. Don't come crying to The Horror Drunx, because we warned you. The only ones that will have less respect and compassion for you than us, will be the makers of these movies who will be laughing all the way to the bank.

"My name is Jason Grove and I am a Horror Drunx"

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Jason Grove
Los Angeles, California
February 2009