Just in time for Thanksgiving!
VAMPIRO'S BOTTOM EIGHT (ate?)(eaten?) MOVIE LIST
A RECIPE FOR HORROR MOVIE TURKEYS
An exclusive TheHorrorDrunx.com article
by
EL VAMPIRO
What is Thanksgiving without a turkey? Or any major winter holiday for that matter? Sometimes you are just in the mood for a turkey, though I would never suggest you make a steady diet of them.
If you are in the mood for a turkey, boy do I have a recipe for you! All of these titles were taste-tested by myself personally, during my tenure as a TV Horror-Host on the show THE VIDEO ASYLUM. One of my theories is that there is no such thing as a bad film, because if nothing else you can learn what NOT to do from them if you ever decide to make your own film.
The following list however, makes me want to rethink that theory. Most of them defy description and are pretty much a waste of your time. But who can really say? Perhaps you can find a diamond worth shining if you can stomach diving headfirst into this dungheap of turkey excrement.
Enjoy the turkey feast and boney petit...
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THE CREEPING TERROR (1964)
The first time I saw this movie, it was one of those 3 o'clock in the morning experiences that made me think I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation.
Yet, like rubbernecking a car crash, I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It had all the ingredients that should have made it a winner... Invading monsters
from outer space, teenage rock and roll hops, spaceships, hotrods, giant creatures eating countless frightened people. But it fell way short of the mark. Its
zero budget ass just couldn't keep up with its overworked brain.
First, you had a spaceship that very well could have been constructed from cardboard and aluminum foil, in
which the interior was larger than the outside of the thing. But it gets better... The large alien creatures that invade the city (actually Lake Tahoe) is
amongst the slowest moving and most ridiculous looking monsters ever filmed. Constructed of what appears to be shag rug remnants, you can actually see the
sneakers of the teenagers beneath it and propelling the thing stick out once in awhile. This slow moving space thing is so poorly constructed that it has to
rely on its victims falling over and remaining still on the ground for a meal. Even then, time out needs to be taken for the people inside the monster to
awkwardly haul the victims through its mouth hole, which looks suspiciously like a horrendiously deformed vagina.
ABOVE: An ugly end for a victim
of THE CREEPING TERROR.
And did I mention that these critters look like a giant hairy erect penis? One particularly entertaing scene is when one of the monsters tries to eat the
occupants of a convertable... The only way he can get to them is by climbing up the back of the car, which unintentionally gives the audience some laughs for
several moments because the monster looks like it is humping the car doggie-style.
ABOVE: The forbidden love between a large phallic
space creature and a Rambler automobile.
The legend is that the entire soundtrack of this film was somehow lost, so they recreated it in a sound studio with endless narration over the lost dialogue
scenes, which amazingly matches up with the mouths of the actors at times. Any dialogue the actors recite is spoken while their backs are turned or their
mouth is off camera. Lots of "wild sound" screams, monster noises, and bad music substitutes for what is left of the patched together soundtrack.
Yeech, what a mess! Watch it drunk with a bunch of your friends, the soundtrack you make up for it will be better than the actual film.
ZONTAR: THE THING FROM VENUS (1966)
If you think that bad remakes are only a recent development, you haven't seen this movie. When color television was just catching on, American
International Pictures was scrambling to come up with programing to meet the demand. The problem was that most of their films were in black and white. So
their answer was to have director Larry Buchanan do seven cheap-o stink-o remakes in color, down in Texas. This is one of them. They handed him the script
for the 1950's film IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (apparently with several pages missing) gave him star John Agar, and let him loose.
Now IT CONQUERED THE WORLD was not the greatest film to begin with, but it looks like a masterpiece next to
this one.
A giant alien bat looking creature living in a cave sends out its alien bat offspring to attach mind control devices to the back of the necks of humans. You
would think that there were better plans to take over the earth, wouldn't you? The original was like a cross between INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and
INVADERS FROM MARS with some good creepy moments. This remake looks like a grade school production of that film.
Many other films that got the Buchanan remake treatment include...
INVASION OF THE SAUCER-MEN (1957) remade as THE EYE CREATURES (1965)
THE SHE CREATURE (1956) remade as CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION (1967)
VOODOO WOMAN (1957) remade as CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE (1966)
THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED (1955) remade as IN THE YEAR 2889 (1967)
SUICIDE BATTALION (1958) remade as HELL RAIDERS (1968)
In other words, those remakers Tim Burton, Rob Zombie, and Michael Bay are themselves remakes of Larry Buchanan. SECRET: I actually like Buchanan's remakes better. You probably will too.
BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS (1970)
Any top worst Horror movies list would not be complete without a film from Andy Milligan. ...So I'm not going to let you down. Andy Milligan films are so
bad, I have never in my life met anyone who has fessed up to being a fan of his work. Ed Wood Jr. makes well crafted masterpieces next to any Andy Milligan
movie.
Speaking of Ed Wood and Tim Burton, Burton's SWEENY TODD movie was technically a remake of this one.
BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS was itself a remake of 3 other movies made of the Sweeny Todd story which date back to SWEENY TODD (1936), SWEENY TODD (1928) and the
now lost silent film SWEENY TODD (1926).
This Andy Milligan film is unwatchable it is so bad, still making it better than Burton's version. There have been at
least 7 films based on this same story and character, meaning Burton is an 8th generation remaker.
I EAT YOUR SKIN (1964)
Del Tenny made some bad films in his career, but none as bad as this zombie monstrosity. I actually liked his film THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH, but I EAT YOUR
SKIN was not even a 1/10th as good.
The original title of this film was ZOMBIES (the title still exists on some TV prints) and it was so bad it lay on a
storage shelf unsold for 6 years. It was finally picked up by producer Larry Gross who needed a 2nd feature to send out with his film I DRINK YOUR
BLOOD (1970), hence the title change from ZOMBIES to I EAT YOUR SKIN. You have to admit though, I EAT YOUR SKIN and I DRINK YOUR BLOOD are two awesome titles
on a double feature.
The story is familiar... A group of people is trapped on an island where a mad doctor is experimenting on the natives and turning them into flesh eating
Zombies.
This same movie was also released using the titles: Voodoo Bloodbath, Zombie, Zombies, Zombie Bloodbath, Woodoo Island (in Sweden, and no that isn't a typo) and who knows what else! A turd by any other name still smells as bad.
MANIAC (1934)
Directed by the great Dwain Esper, who was a movie marketing genius. The man pretty much invented the "road show presentation" for movies, by
"four-walling" (going from town to town and outright renting any available theater), then showing his "educational" films. He specialized
in all the taboo subjects you couldn't see in regular Hollywood studio films that were governed by the Hays ratings office... From incest, to drug abuse,
nudity, you name it! Because of that he would often run afoul of local laws and be run out of an unsuspecting town because of it, but not before he made a
quick killing at the box office. This film is no exception, passed off as an educational film warning about the perils of mental health.
ABOVE: Some hot vintage 1930s bewbage
from MANIAC
This film is possibly my favorite film on the Turkey list, is the one I have watched the most. You have probably seen it too under one of its various titles,
including SEX MANIAC. It is also possibly the most disjointed film on the list. It has everything. Murder, rape, nudity, white slavery, alcohol and drug
abuse, implied bestiality, mad doctors, and a particularly disturbing scene where an eyeball is popped out of the skull of a cat then snatched off of the
floor and eaten by a insane maniac!
ABOVE: The infamous notorious cat eyeball
eating scene from MANIAC. I wish I could
assure you no cats were harmed in the making
of this movie, but sadly I can't.
At only 51 minutes long, you can easily make time to see it. It leaves me astoundingly scratching my head every time.
Not to be confused with the 1980 film MANIAC starring Joe Spinell as a scalper of young women (with the help of Tom Savini effects).
KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM (1978)
Yes, starring the rock band KISS. They were perhaps the biggest band in the world at this time, but while selling out for the fast buck they made the worst
rock and roll band related movie in history. Thus it is even hated by every member of the band, who I am sure would deny its existence if only they could.
Even at the time it was being filmed, the band hated it so much that Peter Criss had to be dubbed by another actor when he wouldn't show up for sound
looping sessions, and in many scenes Ace Frehley didn't even show up for filming at all, having to be doubled by a black stuntman in whiteface
makeup!
When the members of the band did bother to show up, they couldn't act and could barely even deliver their lines.
Who cares what this made for TV movie is about? Some gobbity-goop about a mad scientist / phantom hiding in
an amusement park, with a plan to take over the world with robots or something. Then, KISS gets in a fight with their robot doubles. The only reason to watch
it is for the KISS concert footage shot at the Magic Mountain theme park in Southern California.
ABOVE: "Duh, huh? Did anybody else hear that?"
Yep, it was the sound of your movie careers dying.
The worst. Just awful. See it! And keep repeating to yourself... "This movie was not made by retards" ...You won't be convinced
though.
Be glad if you lived in the United States where you could see this made for TV movie for free, because in
other countries you actually had to pay to see it theatrically. Also known world-wide to be just awful under many titles including:
Attack of the Phantoms
KISS in Attack of the Phantoms
KISS meets the Phantom of the Park
Grupa KISS walczy z fantomem (Poland)
KISS - naamiomiesten hyökkäys (Finland)
Kiss Phantoms (Italy)
The Phantom of the Park (England)
COLOR ME BLOOD RED (1965)
Former pornographer and "roughie" film maker Herschell Gordon Lewis invented the gore movie with BLOOD FEAST (1963) and TWO THOUSAND MANIACS
(1964). Ever since then, "Gore" or "Splatter" movies have been the pornography of the Horror genre. ...Not really scary or Horror, the
only reason some people squirm in their seat or hide their eyes is to avoid seeing unpleasantly fake looking blood and guts scenes. Real Horror requires well
crafted suspense and fear, and I don't mean the fear of possible stomach sickness distress.
The "Godfather Of Gore", Lewis was already running out of ideas and drifting back to making nudie films by the time COLOR ME BLOOD RED was made. And it had only been two years since BLOOD FEAST. Lewis even admits that he ripped off the idea for this movie from Roger Corman's A BUCKET OF BLOOD (1959). Why do so many Italian *and other) gore movie makers put Herschell Gordon Lewis up on a pedestal and emulate his work? Oh yeah, because they are even shittier movie makers than Lewis.
STORY: An artist can only complete his masterpieces when he paints with a certain shade of red. Guess where
he gets it and you know the plot of this movie. The title is your first clue.
ABOVE: An art critic has to tell
the artist "This movie sucks!"
What a hunk of junk.
FROM HELL IT CAME (1957)
Everything about this film is bad. Yet for some unexplainable reason, I must watch it. Somehow, I still find myself entertained. I don't know
why.
STORY: An wrongly executed prince comes back to life as a very angry looking walking tree called the
Tubunga. Tubunga seeks revenge. Tubunga scares native men in dresses. Tubunga drops his enemies in quicksand.
Delightfully bad or awfully good? You be the judge.
You won't have to guzzle a 40oz to get a chuckle out of this one. Just invite some friends over. Not as funny when watched alone for some reason.
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Got your own turkey list of bad films? Think that something on my list isn't quite as bad as I make it out to be here? Let's hear what you have to say! What is your recipe for a Horror turkey?
Happy Thanksgiving!
"My name is Vampiro and I am a Horror Drunx"
EL VAMPIRO
Parts Unknown
November 2009
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